talk radio: a confession

i like talk radio. i found a new (to me) radio station about a month ago. hit or miss music, but solid scripture teaching. i've heard 3 sermons (or sermon snippets) the past two weeks regarding joseph- his life, his dreams, the promises God made to him, his struggles, his oppression, his imprisonment, his rise to power through long-lasting difficulty and trial. the pastor at my church, the village vineyard, has also been talking lately about suffering and how it produces perseverance. we even discussed it at home group on wednesday. all this talk has been getting to me.

often, when i hear the same message over and over through multiple sources, i can assume that it applies to some present circumstance in my life. here's the deal: right now, right this second, everything is looking up. this is not to say that things have not been difficult lately, or even getting to this point. however, i've got few heavy burdens and a lot of hope right now. i'm in transition but i'm excited about it, looking forward to what's on the horizon, ready to go. my heart has become invested in this next step. i'm longing for all the details to work out.

so, my confession: i'm scared. borrowing trouble. worrying. afraid that by sending all of these messages, this talk about trial and suffering and perseverance, God is trying to prepare me for something hard, something difficult, something awful. i'm picking up on the foreshadowing. and in light of the hope that's been growing in me, i'm worried what a blow might do.

but you know what? i've been asking for it. not asking for trial or trouble, persay. but i've been asking to get closer. to know God in ways i haven't yet seen, to experience His presence more tangibly than i ever have. and this, i am afraid, is asking for it.

i know his sovereignty, his power, his goodness. i believe, more now than i ever have, that he works all things together for the good of those who love him. i know that he's got me and he won't let me go. i know that on the other side of whatever is next (good or bad, diffcult or pleasant), i will be better and i will know him more and everything will be better because of that.

however, i'm a wimp. i don't want the battle, just the triumph of being on the winning side. i want to know him as my savior but don't really wish to be stuck in any additional circumstances i might need saved from.

and i'm broken. i can't see him clearly. i know he's good. i believe it. but if i'm honest, i'm still afraid that i'll get stung by all of that power if i get too close. afraid that asking for more of him is "cruisin' for a bruisin'". afraid that hoping for something has positioned me for a fall.

so, what to do?

the only thing i know.

talk to him. tell him everything i'm afraid of. everything i'm hoping for. everything i need, everything i want.

tell him i need his arms around me to have any hope of sleeping soundly, i need his words on my lips to have any hope of speaking truth, i need his thoughts in my mind to have any hope of defeating despair, i need his peace permeating my soul to have any hope at, well, hope.

i can't wait to hear what he has to say.