reaching: the first day of a new season

one of those days where the sky makes
it look warmer than it really is where
skirts and sandals slip on despite the
needles of cold pricking my toes i
make unwise decisions in anticipation of
what comes next
i am alive

in the present, it is so hard to see how
far i've come. to me, life looks so like 3, 4
years ago. my eyes examine lives
lives of others around me, acquaintances,
friends and though i should not compare,
i do. i see so much change, so much movement and i
see myself (relatively) in the same place
wanting the same things, still lacking
i am alive

pulling on clothes, zipping up jobs,
buttoning relationships that don't quite
fit. i tug at the waistband, up, up
struggle with these socks- to keep them from
slipping down around my ankles, to keep my
life from bursting at the seams and i pray for
something that fits
i am alive

i went to the doctor this week. much the same
tying the strings of paper-thin gowns. neatly
folding my skirt and sweater, setting them on a
chair i submit to the typical poking, prodding
blood drawing and x-rays. pain unexplained.
suggestions, guesses made. quizzical expressions
thrown haphazardly across examination rooms
no answers and so i try to see the bright spots.
i lost 16 pounds since october-
this calls for new jeans. or maybe a skirt.
what else have i lost?
i am alive

why do i see lack? and not provision why do i
try to celebrate the future? not the present. why
do i see places i wish i could go? things my
heart cries out for. loudly. why can i not see?
how far i've come. i have been given an extraordinary
gift. i no longer paint pictures of Egypt. i
no longer wish to be where i have been.
there is something to be said for hope-
without vision, we perish. how can i hope for
change, believe for the better, work towards a goal
and still be somehow content
with the present, today, this moment?
i am alive

what do i want? the warmth of sun on my face
renewed fire within my soul. to no longer desire
the same things, year after year, but to move on-
desires fulfilled, and yearn for something new.
life would be dull without longing. hearts are dead
in the absence of want. oh to have an appetite and
be enraptured. to hunger while feeling full.
i ask that i be pleased and still have passion, that i
hunger and still be filled. for what do you pine? and
what is complete in you? where is your longing?
what satisfies?
i am alive